It’s been some time since I wrote last. Getting the kids ready for school and through the first two weeks have had to take priority. During these weeks, I have learned how much I truly love my children. To watch them cry over fear of something new and unknown, my heart breaks.
And not only does my heart break, but I realize that there is a part of me that feels the same as they do – scared, alone, and overwhelmed. That said, I can also say I feel joy, exhilaration, closeness, etc.. I always find it amazing how we can hold opposite feelings within us at the same time.
We can hold love and hate within us at the same time. We can hold feeling alone and feeling a part of a community at the same time. We can feel grief and happiness at the same time.
And that is a part of being human. Jesus felt pain and compassion at the same time on the cross as he made sure his mother was taken care of. Jesus felt utter alienation from anyone, even God, and yet he felt the closest to God as he shouted, “My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?”
Henri Nouwen says that it is in our darkest hours that we often feel like God is the farthest away, but, in all actuality, God is so close we do not recognize him. How amazing is that? I can’t help but think that was one of the things that Jesus was trying to teach us he was here on earth and, most especially, on the cross. God is here with us. And God is most here with us during the hardest of times, even when we don’t think that’s true.
There is peace in that. I don’t have to conjure up God. God is here. And as I hold both fear and exhilaration, as I hold deep sadness and great joy – I can know God is here with me, with my children – even if we can’t feel it. Thank you God. Thank you.